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Author Archive

150 Years and No Gay Footballer? That’s Queer.

Posted by Lord Bogan on 22nd May 2010

By Phil Dimitriadis


In almost one hundred and fifty years, there is no explicit history about a homosexual Australian Rules player at the highest level.

This does not reflect the cultural realities of the society that plays and watches the game. If ten percent of the population were gay then out of the six hundred plus players on AFL lists at least fifty would be gay. Where are they Read the rest of this entry »

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Posted in General Footy Writing | 6 Comments »

Book Review: All praise to exploration of Ablett enigma

Posted by Lord Bogan on 19th February 2010

Book: Playing God: The Rise and Fall of Gary Ablett

Writer: Garry Linnell

Publication: HarperCollins, 2003

Reviewer: Phillip Dimitriadis

Some may consider Garry Linnell’s book, Playing God: The Rise and Fall of Gary Ablett to be a work of fact-based, journalistic non-fiction. It is an unauthorised biography that at times has an unnerving mix of anecdotal evidence and fictional descriptiveness. This combination makes for a rare book in the Australian Rules football landscape because it challenges the established conventions of fictional and non-fictional writing. In some instances it treats Ablett as a God, through his football ability, in others it criticizes his apparent inability to take responsibility for himself. In other areas Linnell examines the football culture that allows the likes of Gary Ablett to get away with actions that would not be so easily tolerated in the general community. It is as if Linnell is playing the role of observer through this book, reflecting the tensions and emotions of the culture around Ablett rather than inserting personal opinions. By doing this he is able to shape the opinions of readers in a subtle way because readers can sometimes feel that they are engaged in a work of fiction while at other times they may feel that they are reading a feature article in a newspaper. Linnell tantalises the imagination of the reader with a sprinkling of facts foregrounded by heavily mythological language and archetypal imagery. For example, he writes: Read the rest of this entry »

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Posted in book review | 6 Comments »

Footy’s Coming

Posted by Lord Bogan on 8th February 2010

Footy’s Coming

To the tune of Johnny Cash’s ‘Busted’

By Phil Dimitriadis


Cricket and tennis aren’t my kind of drugs.

Hauritz and Federer don’t inspire group hugs.

Footy’s Coming.

Serena took off, along with her bling.

Caro and Wallsy are still hibernating.

But,Footy’s coming.

My daughter brought home a boy from school.

I got sunstroke, fell asleep at the pool.

Footy’s coming.

I let my hair grow to see what was left.

A once mighty kingdom, now remote and bereft.

Footy’s coming.


My wife often says: “Your world view is askew.”

“Why don’t you find something useful to do?”

I tell her: “Footy’s Coming!”


I went to the gym to try and lose my gut.

Gave up the booze, but still felt in a rut.

Footy’s coming.


February comes, the machine cranks a gear.

AFL news, brand new hope for this year.

Footy’s coming.


Mike Sheahan is taking the moral high ground.

Matty Stokes is avoiding pesky news hounds.

Footy’s coming.


“This is our year”, full of cheer say the fans.

In February there are no also rans.

Footy’s Coming.


The players have had their “best pre-season yet”.

Hitting the weights, expectations to be met.

Footy’s coming.


The Adelaide Crows and Neil Craig have to lift.

Brisbane and Fev, another gear they must shift.

Footy’s coming.


Carlton have ripped off an old wrestling tag.

Pie fans believe that the flag’s in the bag.

Footy’s coming.


The Bombers have hoards of young talent on show.

Freo must climb or Harvey will get the heave ho.

Footy’s coming.


The Cats are looking at three out of four.

At Hawthorn will someone show Jeffrey the door?

Footy’s coming.


Melbourne have got to get up from the rear.

Shinboners are dead replaced by corporate gear.

Footy’s coming.


The Power have invested in a 7 year old’s vision.

Richmond just want a season free from derision.

Footy’s coming.


The Saints are a whisker away from a flag.

Sydney must shake off it’s ugly duckling tag.

Footy’s coming.


West Coast are building a drug free empire.

The Doggies have got Big Barry esquire.

Footy’s coming.


And now as I leave you in anticipation.

It’s time to unleash your imagination.

Footy’s coming.

Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments »

Cricket: When Windies, and cricket, were king

Posted by Lord Bogan on 1st December 2009

By Phil Dimitriadis

My interest in cricket peaked during the summer of 1981-82. I was in Grade 6 and just about to start High School. It was a time of excitement and trepidation. I was too old to be a kid and too young to be taken seriously.

During this summer my best mate Bill and I would play test matches in our respective back yards. Bill was a West Indies fan of Greek descent. When you’re eleven, your manhood is reflected in the size and brand of your cricket bat. Bill used a size 6 SS while I favoured my trusty size 4 SP. He would be the Windies and I would be Australia, playing four innings matches that would start at 10am and often not finish until after 8pm. We would often take a break to watch the matches on TV. It was the last summer before the onset of puberty, the last summer of childhood. Cricket seemed like the only thing that mattered. Read the rest of this entry »

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Posted in Cricket writing | 16 Comments »

AFL Finals series: Pies provide a lesson in faith

Posted by Lord Bogan on 13th September 2009

By Phil Dimitriadis

This is a reflection of the brittle faith expressed by a small group of Magpie fans at the MCG last night.

The cliche ‘cut-throat’ final seemed appropriate halfway through the first quarter. The Crows have made a number of deep incisions into the weakening Collingwood body and are two goals away from capturing the jugular at quarter-time.

Morale is low in the camp that includes my brother Tim, nephews Nick and Mark, and fellow Almanacker James Gilchrist. We find ourselves sacking Malthouse … again … and installing Bucks as coach for 2010.I emphahise: “WE WILL NOT WIN A PREMIERSHIP WHILE MALTHOUSE IS COACH!”

Cheesy O’Bree is one clanger away from being lynched by a furious Mark. A conspiritorial rhetoric of Toovey ‘having photographs’ emerges as the only reason for getting a game every week. Nick and Tim wonder how Macaffer got a game. “He is useless,” Tim laments. “He has no idea,” Nick complains. The boy really seems out of his depth.

The inquisition begins in earnest. Why are they playing Medhurst, who is clearly not fit? Why is Jack Anthony still getting a game? And what the hell is wrong with Didak and Davis? Are they nothing more than home and away champions? These questions, among others, infiltrate the tormented minds of the group as if the future of Western civilisation depended on their immediate resolution. It feels that serious.

“Looks like an early night,” says Tim. “Yeah, we’ll be out of here by three-quarter-time,” says Nick. “But we outscored them in that quarter,” I offer in desperation. The boys shake their heads, unconvinced, non-verbally implying that I should know better. They are right. We just don’t have enough class. But, if we can kick the first couple in the third we could get some momentum.

Hope is a dangerous thing in these situations.

We sit down for the third quarter with little faith in our coach or our team. It is here that the gods begin to test our lack of belief. Dick, Johnno, Clokey and Swan get a succession of goals and we are up at three-quarter-time. Incredible!

Adelaide seem lost, mesmerised by a suddenly fast and skilful Collingwood side led by a defiant teenager named Steele Sidebottom. If only our nerves resembled his name.

The game fluctuates like the wind, oscillating wildly from one team to another. When Tippett kicks a goal from a free on the boundary I surrender to the cruel synergy. We started the season with a defeat to Adelaide by less than a kick and that’s how it will end. James has his hands in his face, Tim’s glasses have fogged up, Nick is shaking his head ruefully and Mark is paying out on the ump. It was meant to end this way. We shouldn’t be surprised.I curse O’Bree, I curse Malthouse, I curse barracking for Collingwood. Why do I take this game so seriously. I am a 40-year-old man, for God’s sake!You’d think I’d know better by now.

As the ball is bounced I fear the siren will plunge me deeper into misery at any tick. Somehow Maxwell gets his kick forward, but alas, Otten marks uncontested. Game Over.

But wait! The umpire is gesticulating. The same maggott who paid two softies to Tippett minutes earlier. It’s Jack’s kick, 35 metres out on the slightest of angles! I hope for a point and extra time. No way could Jack handle the pressure when he’s barely handled the ball all night. He takes his time and coolly slots it. Pandemonium erupts around me. Strangers are high-fiving me while my group leaps simultaneously, embracing each other and generally engaging in a masculine expression of love that would seem dodgy in most other social surrounds. Elation has overtaken despair. The catharsis will only be complete when the final siren goes.

We just need a clearance. I hear Ted Whitten’s voice saying, “Hit the boundary line”.

I need not worry. Cheesy O’Bree has locked the ball in and the siren has gone. Mark has me in a bear hug while James is slapping my back with a mixture of relief and jubilation. Nick and Tim are doing a random version of Zorba and I am just absorbing all that I’ve thought, felt and seen in the last three hours.

We sing the song with verve and finally there is peace. No more twisted and broken thoughts, no anger, frustration or pain. Mick is a genius … again … good on him for showing faith in young blokes like Macaffer and Toovey. I can’t even hate O’Bree. It’s a miracle!

The world has regained its equilibrium. There is no recession, no global warming, no third world poverty. It is a magical place of mystery, wonder and the prospect of playing for a place in the Grand Final next Saturday against the Cats. I dare to dream. The irrational takes control. If things go right we can beat Geelong. The conversation on the train home revolves around booking tickets, the fitness of Fraser, Pendles and Beams and the possibility that Didak, Davis and Cloke might play blinders next week and get us through.

The footy fan’s imagination is his worst enemy and his most powerful ally.

Can a game of footy really do this to a person? My word it can, if you believe.

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Posted in AFL Semi-Finals, Magpies v Adelaide | 17 Comments »

Poetry: If

Posted by Lord Bogan on 8th September 2009

By Phil Dimitriadis

If Crompton stayed dour in ‘64 …

If Potter had’ve kicked in ‘66 …
Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Poetry | 24 Comments »

Poetry: Bill and Bob

Posted by Lord Bogan on 1st June 2009

 

 

                                                Bill and Bob

 

                                                By Phil Dimitriadis

 

                                    Bill played forward, Bob played back,

                       

                                    man on man, the olden days.

 

                                    Body hair, Brylcream, going the whack.

 

                       

                                    Arch rivals these clubs remain,

 

                                    two young men with a bitter secret,

 

                                    who fell in love against the grain.

 

 

                                    They were brutal…on the field,

 

                                    punched each other, kicked and scragged,

 

                                    but what they had refused to yield.

 

 

                                    Real men can take it…off the ground.

 

                                    Back pocket, forward pocket, shorts down!

 

                                    Imagine it, yes, just don’t make a sound.

 

 

                                    Both lads were married, it made no sense,

 

                                    conservative, educated, religious young men,

 

                                    yet deep in their hearts lay an innocence.

 

 

                                    You don’t have to be gay,

 

                                    to be in love with a man.

 

                                    Still, when night turned to day,

 

                                    Bill and Bob went their separate ways.

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Posted in Poetry | 3 Comments »

Poetry: ‘Achtung Mick’

Posted by Lord Bogan on 12th May 2009

                                                           

 

 

 

 

 

                                                            Achtung Mick!

                                                                       

 

                                                         by Phil Dimitriadis

 

                                               

                                                The Boundary line is his best friend.

                                   

                                                His moustache bristles at ‘their’ mistakes.

 

                                                Nobody else seems to comprehend,

 

                                                only he appears to be awake.

 

 

                                                It’s everyone else’s fault,

                                               

                                                the umpires, the media, the weather.

 

                                                His eyes are poised, ready to assault

 

                                                a legion at the end of its tether.

 

 

                                                The time has come for another dictator

 

                                                to finally be overthrown.

 

                                                Yet, like most moustachioed orators,

 

                                                his death has been painfully slow.

 

 

                                                Ten years of a developing list,

 

                                                and “we’re still a young side”.

 

                                                No wonder we’re so often pissed

 

                                                and drained of our Magpie pride.

 

 

 

                                                What fan with a sense of reason

 

                                                would want his team to lose?

 

                                                But if they sign him up next season,

 

                                                I’ll be watching the Preston twos.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Posted in Poetry | 2 Comments »

Clean Hands

Posted by Lord Bogan on 28th April 2009

 

By Phil Dimitriadis

 

Thirty-five touches. The cleanest hands at the club. Flawless disposal and three goals capped off a great afternoon. Hubris has been sitting on the bench all day, invisible, but determined to get a run when it counts…after the game.

 

Backslappers are aplenty. Pre-pubescent girls hang on his every expression. Desperate housewives hope for a glance, a smile, a slim possibility that their fantasies may come true.

 

The media sticks their microphones into his face waiting for their instruments to be pleasured by the mouth of a demi-god. He praises the coach, his teammates and the club culture. Three more votes, another new plasma and the party has only just begun.

 

After showering and dressing, a mate slips him a pill to celebrate. He pops it like an M&M and smiles impishly. He is in for a big night.

 

First he goes home for tea with mum, dad and his kid sister. He is a different lad at home. He can be himself for a couple of hours. Sis hugs him proudly, dad warns him about the hype, while mum tells him that it is his turn to do the dishes and clean up the dog poo. He smiles at sis, nods to dad and does the chores for mum.

 

Now he is ready, the amphetamine is about to peak and the nightclub waits. He meets three teammates and they brush past the fifty or so people in the queue, most of whom are taking photos of the four famous footy stars. No one protests at the favourable treatment, for they are gods in this town.

 

While Kanye West, Ludacris and Lady Ga Ga pulsate through patrons ears, he is on his fifth free Crownie. Obligatory photo poses, autographs and idle chit chat with brown-nosing management is done. It is time to get his hands dirty.

 

A girl approaches and gives him a smile and her phone number. He looks and hesitates. She has a pretty face but is a little too plump for this Adonis. “Not really Brownlow red carpet material,” he thinks to himself. He thanks her and then lies, telling her that he already has a girlfriend. She reluctantly disappears into the crowd.

 

A bouncer buddy gives him an E to wash down with the Crownie’s…on the house. Life is beautiful.

 

Another girl captures his attention. She is stunning. A face like Delta and a body like Beyonce. Our hero can’t resist. He introduces himself with confidence. “I know who you are,” she replies with a giggle. He has visions of her on his arm at the Brownlow. The E is kicking in and the 35 touches rapidly stimulate his manhood. He wants her; he must have her, for he is a god in this town.

 

They adjourn to a penthouse at the neighbouring casino. The drugs and sex provide hours of multi-sensory pleasure .

 

They rest, cuddle, kiss and share a joint, but the star is insatiable. 

 

It is three o’clock and she wants to go home. Her parents have left numerous messages on her mobile phone. They tend to wait up for her. She looks twenty-one, but is only seventeen. He didn’t think about asking her for ID. He begins to fume. The drugs and the grog have sent his brain into a tailspin, like a plane in unforeseen turbulence. “Do you know who the fuck I am?” he screams, his nose an inch from hers. Damn that demon Hubris.

 

She screams and he slaps her twice, backhand and forehand. She calls him a “fucken fraud” and he punches her in the face like he punches the ball from an opponent…with aggression and intent. She sprays him in the eyes with her perfume and somehow escapes to call the police.

 

The star is apprehended at four back at the nightclub. He proclaims his innocence, but the cops are about to charge him with assault and rape of a minor. His mind begins to clear, not so his hands.

 

At ten the next morning club officials bail him out and assure him that they have found the girl. She has decided not to press charges for an undisclosed fee. Her parents are furious, but the cash is handy. They relent and the surly star agrees to honour the terms and conditions.

 

At a club function later that afternoon he is king of the kids and darling of the parents. The adult males marvel at his skills. Mums can’t believe how nice and down to earth he is and dozens of kids are kicking the footy wearing his number on their backs.

 

Our hero looks as if he has just come out of church. On the other side of town a 17 year old girl is on the phone to Lifeline. Her new found riches will at least pay for some of the therapy she has to endure for the rest of her life.

 

She will have nightmares and relive the trauma of a night with this man. Yet, as long as nobody else knows, no one will care. The Monday papers will praise him for his skills, his grace and his clean hands.

 

For he is a god in this town.

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Posted in Short Stories (Fiction) | 14 Comments »

From The Village to Victoria Park

Posted by Lord Bogan on 23rd April 2009

A Villanelle that is an ode to my Father

By Phil Dimitriadis

From dodging bullets in World War 2,
to stepping on broken bottles of Abbott’s Lager.
Ah, the relative peace of Turner Street in 1952.

While Communists and Royalists searched for prey,
The slums of Collingwood seem like heaven.
The wounds were still raw, but a world away.

The crowd was passionate, yet held no fear.
No one put a gun to his face demanding loyalty.
The noise seemed playful to his hardened ear.

In The Village teenagers were forced to bear arms,
At Victoria Park they were encouraged to play.
No minefields to negotiate on a Collingwood farm.

Safety is relative, depends where you are.
Footy provided escape, friendship and calm.
A house next to the ground, a family, fewer scars.

Phonse Kyne was coach, Lou Richards was skipper.
He watched them train until it was dark.
With a kick of the footy Dad’s journey was complete,
from the Village to Victoria Park.

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Posted in General Footy Writing, Poetry | 1 Comment »